From a very
young age, I remember categorising myself as a ‘worrier’. Sometimes it felt
that, as soon as something I was worried about passed or was solved, I moved
straight on to the next thing. Never content with peace of mind.
Nowadays, I
can see this as the very beginnings of my battles with my mental health. Now
that I know what depression, anxiety and OCD are, it doesn’t really seem
surprising to me that I suffer with them. It’s almost as though they are
written into my very being.
Having said
this though, I must emphasise that my experiences with mental ill health have
been (thankfully) quite mild compared to many others I know. However, I still
wanted to share a slice of my story – specifically regarding Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
As an OCD
sufferer, I am one of many that find themselves frustrated and even furious
with how OCD is represented in the mainstream media. You all know the typical
story – someone is obsessed with cleanliness or tidiness, they want things to
be ‘just so’ or they get very upset. My gosh, some people are just ‘so OCD!’ In
short, this is a misrepresentation of a disorder that can be debilitating for
its sufferers – OCD can ruin lives. It is very different from being very clean
and tidy, or a little bit particular about how you like things to be.
I won’t go
into details here, but if you would like to learn more about OCD – www.ocduk.org has really detailed information
about the disorder, including the debunking of commonly believed myths
surrounding it. Of course, this is just one of many resources to research the
disorder, but I personally think it’s a good place to start!
It is my aim
that, through sharing my personal journey, I can help people better understand
OCD, and hopefully, make others suffering with the illness feel less alone.
My OCD began
(at least, noticeably) when I was aged around 12 or 13. I had a bout of
insomnia for the first time in my life, and it made me very worried. After a
sleepless night, I began asking myself things like: “what if I can’t sleep ever
again?”, “if I don’t sleep well, I won’t be able to function. Will I be able to
keep a job, live a normal life, be happy?”
This may
sound like a huge over-reaction to not sleeping, and well…it is! Despite this
though, my mind went there and that’s where it stayed.
With these
questions swirling round and round in my head, I began to form a very strict
night-time routine. Tidying and sorting things in the house, checking all the
doors were locked, the curtains HAD to be closed and tucked in just 'right'. If I slept well one night, I
made a mental note of any slight differences my routine had – “I moved that
candle a bit before bed last night, so I will do that again tonight.” As you
can imagine, my routine gradually built up into many tasks I was compelled to
complete before bed. At one point, it would take about an hour to do everything
to a satisfactory level. My routine and fixations grew – I began getting up to
go to the toilet every hour that I was still awake at night to ensure I
wouldn’t lose sleep over a full bladder. I began to tap things in threes as I
walked up the stairs to bed, forcing doors shut and pulling at the handles.
If my
routine was interrupted, or one of my family members unintentionally did
something I had become convinced was ‘my task’, I would become irritated and
snappy. I would have to do whatever it was over again.
I was
shutting myself off from experiences – being invited to sleepovers would fill
me with unbridled dread, any special events or parties that would possibly lead
to a late night would strike me with fear. I would often beg my Mum to help me make
up an excuse so I didn’t have to go.
I have never
sought professional help for my OCD, but with much effort and the support of my
family, I have been able to get a handle on my anxieties and compulsions.
Learning that OCD is an actual thing that people suffer with (as opposed to it
being just me losing my mind) helped me immensely too.
My OCD
themes have shifted over the years. I have experienced intrusive thoughts, which
include becoming convinced that I am a bad person who will harm those I love (I
even toyed with the idea of writing an apology letter to my parents for them to
read after my inevitable incarceration). I have also become consumed by the
idea that the world isn’t real and that all who surround me are robots. I have become
overly focused on my breathing for days, unable to shift my focus and causing
myself physical pain. Oh, and I have been wrapped up in a very common
OCD theme of today – I have thought that I am a paedophile.
I can laugh
about these obsessions now, as I sit here in good mental health. I see how
stupid these ideas are for me to even entertain for a second, but at the time,
they seem so very real and threatening and I will do anything to relieve the
anxiety even for a few minutes. This is OCD…it’s not just about wanting things
clean and tidy.
Today, I am
in a much better place mentally, but I have no doubt that I will be dealing
with this for the rest of my life. I feel I am stronger for it.
With
increasing support and increasing the awareness of OCD, we can help those who
are still in the midst of suffering, convinced they are going insane. We can
let them know that they are not alone.
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